The New Newmanton News

Pyramid of unknown metal halts traffic at 4th and Altman. City lacks equipment to move it. Flame matches no known burning classification. newmanton.news #NewNewmanton #LocalNews

Remnant Co. Your soul is just sitting there. Fair market value. Immediate liquidity. Nothing gets worse. #NewNewmanton #SmallBusiness

Dentin Collective wants your teeth. Now. New Newmanton's fastest-growing dental practice is taking appointments. #NewNewmanton #LocalBusiness #DentalCare

Total Bastard Oil: Still pumping. Still not sorry. The company that powers your hospital, your military base, your commute wants you to know it understands your concerns. newmanton.news #NewNewmanton #LocalNews

New Newmanton Selected to Host 1975 Winter Olympics on Trash Island. The commonwealth announced it unilaterally Wednesday; the IOC said it has not been in contact. #NewNewmanton #LocalNews #1975 #WinterOlympics #TrashIsland

Rat Cooperative enters third month with universal healthcare, civil rights statute, and 74% approval rating. City officials decline to comment. newmanton.news #NewNewmanton #LocalGov #LocalNews

Pyramid of unknown metal, flame included, appeared overnight at 4th & Altman. City can't move it. Flame classified as "outside normal parameters." newmanton.news #NewNewmanton #LocalNews #Pyramid #AwakenTheSteel #Cult

Entrepreneur debuts trebuchet-based commuter system in Gnu Harbor; maiden passenger unaccounted for. Describes the 1.4-mile, 0.3-second transit method as "the most important thing to happen to human movement since legs." newmanton.news #NewNewmanton #LocalNews #ElonMusk #BigTech

Just Spiders is now open on Carmody Road. Spiders. Just Spiders. #NewNewmanton #SmallBusiness

Vantage Monetary Group: We weakened the dollar by 3% just now. Enjoy your retirement into the gig economy. #NewNewmanton #Finance

Everyone you love will die. Solace Audio headphones deliver honest sound for honest moments. #NewNewmanton #SolaceAudio #Audio

AI may finally be coming for your job, per new analysis. The New Newmanton News has run this headline for 1,827 consecutive days. Analysts say this time may be different. newmanton.news #NewNewmanton #LocalNews

Dentin Collective wants your teeth. We are waiting. New Newmanton's tooth acquisition service is now accepting donations from residents. #NewNewmanton #DentinCollective #Healthcare

New Newmanton Rat Cooperative enters third month with balanced budget and 74 percent approval rating. Universal healthcare now in effect. #NewNewmanton #LocalGovernment

Vantage Monetary Group. We weakened the dollar. You're welcome. Their commercial airs this week. #NewNewmanton #Finance #Banking