Scarred For Life

Calling Mr Vein! KING OF THE CASTLE (1977), part of HTV's Unholy Trinity of scary kid's shows, along with Children of the Stones and Sky, fused Alice in Wonderland with Kafka. A troubled teen is knocked out in a lift accident and wakes up in a nightmare world populated by his anxieties...

KEEP FLEXES OUT OF REACH (late 80s): A real late-night horror, usually aired during the ITV Night Time strand well into the 90s. Part of its audience would have been students and ravers coming home from a night spent off their heads, so god knows what effect that last shot had on them.

FIT CHILD SEATS: A somber Jane Asher narrates this 1980s PIF about the importance of child safety seats. It's a PIF that preys on the imagination: the dummies' reactions are horribly realistic. Usually seen in the early hours, making The Hitman and Her's advert breaks a fraught experience.

Animated French series ONCE UPON A TIME... MAN (1978) spanned the entire history of humankind. The final episode sees humanity wipe itself out in a nuclear war in the year 2060 (don't worry, we survive, thanks to moon colonists!)

PLAY FOR TODAY: Z FOR ZACHARIAH (1984) Adapted from Robert C. O'Brien's novel, and starring Pippa Hinchley and Anthony Andrews. One year after a nuclear war, a young girl in the Welsh valleys finds her farm invaded by the sinister John Loomis, a man dying of radiation poisoning...

A little sneaky peek at the first Show and Tell video, an hour-long, page by page look at Usborne's classic 'Haunted Houses, Ghosts & Spectres' book!

TERRAHAWKS (1983) was salvaged from Thunderhawks, an anime show Gerry Anderson pitched to Japan. Anderson's shows were so popular there that Terrahawks was gifted its very own anime title sequence, and it's lovely!

M*A*S*H: GOODBYE, FAREWELL AND AMEN (1983) The final episode of an incredible series which gradually transformed from black comedy to comedy drama. The enemy is near to Hawkeye's bus, but a Korean woman's squawking chicken might give them away. His PTSD is covering the truth, however...

STAR MAIDENS (1976): British-German 'battle of the sexes' disco sci-fi series starring Judy Geeson and Gareth Thomas. On Medusa, a planet ruled by women, two men escape to Earth... The German producers were making a sex comedy, while the Brits wanted serious sci-fi. The result is a glorious mess!

My new Patreon launches on Wednesday June 3! Apart from brand new SFL essays, you'll be getting Show and Tell videos and this: The Scarred For Life Bunker Show, a radio show transmitting into the wastelands with chat, music and clips. Here's a peek at ep 1, where I talk about my earliest scars...

THE ENCHANTED CASTLE (1979): BBC adaptation of Edith Nesbit's book about a group of kids who find a wishing ring at a country estate. The 'Uggly-Wugglies', a scarecrow-like dummy audience for one of their home play performances, are accidentally wished into life, with alarming results...

Z.P.G. ZERO POPULATION GROWTH (1972): Directed by Michael Campus and starring Ollie Reed, this dystopian sci-fi depicts a world so overpopulated that the act of giving birth is punishable by death. Real children have been replaced by these horrors...

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NATURAL BORN SMOKER (1985) Director Barry Myers went all-out on this Blade Runner-inspired PIF about a future smoker genetically mutated by their addiction. 90s anti-smoking PIFs would adopt a more caring approach than this horror show...

In the days of the old ITV regions, Thames television would regularly break out the delightfully spooky 'Thames After Dark' version of their ident, usually prior to shows like Armchair Thriller. Bring back spooky idents!

As if to prove the adage that everything in the 1970s was designed to scare kids, the title sequence to ITV Schools show THE MIGHTY MICRO (1979) is an anxiety-inducing trip through humankind's technological achievements, up to and beyond the atomic bomb. You may now open your copy books.

RIP the great Micheal Keating. The heart and soul of Blake's 7, he played cowardly con-man Vila Restal (my favourite character) with a beautifully world-weary charm, and perfect comic timing. He and Paul Darrow's Avon made one of the all-time great double acts.

EVE OF THE WAR (1978), the second single from Jeff Wayne's Musical Version of The War of the Worlds, is an absolute banger. But the video is on another level, perfectly capturing the terrifying mood of the album artwork. I've been saying this for decades: make a film of this version!

The Two Ronnies 1987 Christmas Special ended in fine style with PINOCCHIO II: KILLER DOLL, a horror film parody played for laughs, but which gave younger viewers nightmares. The Ronnies had form for dark comedies: Teeny Todd and the Phantom Raspberry Blower were horrifying!

BLATANT ADVERT BECAUSE I LOVE IT SO! 'Page and Screen' by John Mabey. A gorgeous visual history of the TV tie-in books that provided Extended Universes for The Sweeney, Grange Hill, The Prisoner, Space: 1999, Murphy's Mob... ooh, *everything*. It's available from Amazon now. Treat yourself!

TERRAHAWKS (1983) villain Zelda, and her children Cy-Star and Yung-Star, were three of the decade's most terrifying bad guys. And she could spit bars with the best of 'em. Move over Nas, Rakim, and KRS-One, here comes the Zelda rap!

BUILDING SITES BITE (1978): growing up in the big city, I was never subjected to any farm-based PIFs. Instead, we had the likes of this notorious little nasty, which plays out like a British Final Destination as daft Ronald dies again and again. Don't worry viewers, it's all a daydream!

THE TRIPODS (1984): BBC adaptation of John Christopher's YA novels about a future England under alien occupation. The population is 'capped' at 16, becoming thralls to the tripods, but one group of plucky teens decides to join the French resistance... Where's series 3, lads?

Enjoy this montage of televisual nuclear anxiety from the 1980s, soundtracked by The Dubliners' protest song 'Protect and Survive'. Special guest appearance by the Patron Saint of Nuclear War at the end, there. "'Ad it, inya?"

Before pop videos were a Proper Thing, a 1973 episode of Top of the Pops illustrated Barry White's 'Never, Never Gonna Give Ya Up' via this startling video, which feels like an avant-garde student film. I don't think it could capture the mood of the song less, but I love it!

ROBBIE (1979): a replacement for the graphic and extremely controversial 'The Finishing Line', this PIF, about a boy whose feet are amputated after an encounter on train tracks, had quite the ending! Talk about a constant reminder...

Patrons will also get an exclusive SHOW AND TELL video every month! The SFL library is vast and cavernous, and I'll be taking you through some of the best books, annuals, and comics, from cover to cover! I have such sights to show you... (3/5)

THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK (1972): Docudrama horror about the 'Fouke Monster' sighted in Arkansas, and tying into the Bigfoot-mania of the 1970s. Stern voiceovers abound!

H.R. Giger finally got to use his astonishing design for Baron Harkonnen's castle (from Alejandro Jodorowsky's cancelled Dune film) in this 1985 ad for Pioneer. Cor, what we could have had...

THE OWL SERVICE (1969): The deeply eerie title sequence to Granada's beautiful adaptation of Alan Garner's classic novel. One of the most mature children's dramas ever, for me it truly kicks off the entire Scarred For Life era.

TALES OF THE UNEXPECTED: THE FLYPAPER (1980) Alfred Burke is absolutely terrifying in the series' greatest episode, adapted from Elizabeth Taylor's short story. Not going to spoil a thing about this one, but the ending is a real gut punch...

STARTING OUT (1986): I've a real soft spot for gritty Schools and Colleges dramas, and series 5 of this long-running ITV show featured domestic abuse, rape, glue-sniffing, racism and police harassment (and most of those are in the title sequence!). Oh, and a porn mag at the start! For kids, etc etc

VOTER LIST (1974): Important information for today. Check the list!

DOOR CHAIN (1976): A PIF which dares to ask the question, 'did Aunt Annie or a Rasputin-looking axeman politely ring your doorbell?' This one was in rotation for so long that, for me, it's forever entwined with ITV Night Time shows of the late 80s and early 90s!

I sometimes wonder what it'd be like to live somewhere like the Rainbow house or Hickory House, and co-habiting with bizarre creatures like HUMPHREY CUSHION. Imagine going to Tesco, paying your bills at the Post Office, then coming home to this...

Apparently Saturday Night Live UK did a parody of this Scarred For Life gem last night: the deeply sinister early 80s British Pork ad! Talk about a deep cut...

Unlike the happy, roller-skating, all-American feel-good adverts for Pepsi and Coke, quintessential 80s soft drink QUATRO (1982) went for a dark, grungy, machine-smashing cyberpunk aesthetic, courtesy Annabel Jankel and Rocky Morton (Max Headroom, the Accidents Will Happen video)

TIDY UP AT NIGHT (1969): There's a lovely Terrytoons aesthetic throughout this PIF from a bygone era. It jolts me to think that most of these things would have applied to our house when I was a kid. God, I'm old. See how much of this Adult Bod's bedtime routine applies to you...

A moment of madness from children's eco-folk horror serial RAVEN (1977), written by Children of the Stones' Trevor Ray and Jeremy Burnham. Phil Daniels plays a borstal boy (and reincarnation of King Arthur) who fights to stop nuclear waste being dumped on the site of an ancient cave system...

OMNI (1978): "The world's first major magazine of science fact, fiction, and fantasy" captivated me when I was 8. I didn't understand 90% of it, but I loved its silver pages, the UFO Update column, and most of all, the eye-melting artwork. Bring back magazines that look like this!

CREEPS! (1979) The game that strikes terror in the heart! Action GT's memory-based vampire-slaying board game saw players move their daggers round the board, hopefully memorising the 'deadly' spaces. First to race to the centre of the board kills the vampire and wins!

THE GUARDIANS (1971): ITV's brilliant, morally complex dystopian drama about a near-future Britain where an authoritarian government uses a paramilitary force to supress rebellion. It didn't pull any punches...

THE MAD DEATH (1983): The BBC's brilliant and deeply disturbing drama about a rabies outbreak in Scotland. Bearing in mind that I'd cross the road everytime I saw a stray dog (just in case), The Mad Death scared me so much that I didn't make it to the final episode.

The second series of brilliant kids' supernatural anthology SHADOWS (1976) had one of the spookiest title sequences ever. It still blows my mind that Toast of Tinseltown did a direct homage for its titles. Talk about a deep cut. Knows his stuff, does Matt Berry!

GRANGE HILL: "Slip on the wet floor, did you?" Phil Redmond's hard-hitting school drama didn't pull its punches. In a 'they did things differently back then' scene from 1981, hard but fair P.E. teacher 'Bullet' Baxter doles out justice to a colleague who's been bullying kids.

SURVIVORS (1975): Terry 'Daleks' Nation's classic drama about a plague that wipes out most of humanity, and the lengths the rest must go to to restore civilisation. The first series is dark and bleak, but after Nation leaves it's a bit like The Good Life with added starvation, death, and rabies.

It's Sunday afternoon - time for Worzel Gummidge! How about THE CROWMAN (1979), an episode which saw Worzel don his infamous Handsome Head and propose to a female scarecrow, who proceeds to beat him with a broom and dismember him. Folk horror fun for all the family!

The differences between SCIENCE NINJA TEAM GATCHAMAN (1972) and its child-friendly American version, BATTLE OF THE PLANETS (1978) are stark indeed. In this Gatchman scene, missing from BotP, team leader Ken gives a bad guy a good hiding. I counted eighteen punches. Eighteen!

RED TRAFFIC SIGN: MUST NOT (1974) Some public information films were like mini-movies. And some just got straight to the point, like this five second beast. Must not. Must not. MUST NOT.

Staying up late to watch horror films of a weekend was always a joy when I was a kid. This scene from SOMETHING EVIL, a 1972 'demonic possession' TV movie directed by Steven Spielberg, scared the living stink out of me when I was 8 or 9, and it stayed with me for decades.

SEWING MACHINE (1973): A startling PIF, directed by the master of the form, John Krish, featuring the final minute of a little girl's life. It generated a flood of complaints; not because of the horrific elements, but because it featured a black child. That's more shocking than anything in the film.

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SESAME STREET: LIMBO (early 70s) Also known as 'Nobody', this Jim Henson creation consisted of two eyes and a mouth made of string, with a voice provided by New York DJ 'Rosko' Mercer. One of my earliest TV memories, Limbo scared the pants off me when I was 3 or 4.

SAPPHIRE AND STEEL: ASSIGNMENT ONE (1979) The first case for our enigmatic agents involves two kids, their missing parents, and a haunted house. Originally conceived as a children's show called The Time Menders, Assignment One still features remnants of those early ideas.

Following in the footsteps of Watership Down and The Plague Dogs, THE ANIMALS OF FARTHING WOOD (1993) traumatised a generation of children. A grand tally of 20-odd onscreen deaths included baby mice impaled on a tree. At 4.30 in the afternoon, kids!

Battle of the Planets was the edited American version of seminal anime Gatchaman (1972). Shown in the UK in school holidays, episodes were cut for violence or skipped altogether, as I suspect ep. 25 was: 'The Magma Giant, Emperor of Hell', featuring a lava kaiju bearing the face of Jesus Christ!

A clip that makes my stomach drop to my bum every time I see it: everyman daredevil John Noakes climbs to the top of Nelson's Column in a 1977 BLUE PETER episode. File under 'health and safety gone mad!'. Pity the poor cameramen too...

The unsettling music. The detached voiceover. This 1987 clip from ITV Schools programme SCIENTIFIC EYE may just be the eeriest thing I've seen all week. 'Look Around You' has nothing on this.