PB (Caudle) - Squirmy Skug

"Your tribe will be with me, until we find the tribe you truly belong to..." ... GODS DO I NEED A NEW GLUP SHITTO? *REALLY?* I am *mostly* in the he-man fandom for the snakemen and Whiplash, cringer was Bonus Content. B-but he's SO Baggy-ish... A-and that line delivery... Shit...

If you are wondering the level of Tail-cringe kid me was, I used to watch the cleaning sequence in Snow White multiple times per go-through because I found the squirrel's sweeping super interesting for a reason I couldn't pinpoint...

If you are wondering THE LEVEL OF REFUSE WE ARE TALKING... I-I still remember the Elena of Avalor episode where they become Jaquins because the studious wizard of the group becomes fascinated with his tail and keeps mentioning it outloud. I am...le'garbage you see.

Wait... Should I probably have NOT gone to a hospital on christmas eve to be filled with the trauma of a neighbor whose husband burned to death in front of her in a horrible fire in a year where my mom died? JESUS. I have been through...too much in the 2020's, no wonder I was a thin water balloon

Hmmm...as far as 'Brain Age' PB is...not as ancient as Mulligan feels...but I still feel old and professorial...just with...WAAAYYY more self loathing. AHAHA after April there is a LOT to loath. FORTUNATELY, I tend to distract myself with work, so you lot SHOULD get one or two projects soon.

Ahhh....okay... AHAHAH makes sense, piggy time...I think I'm just tired and in business-mode... THOUGH, I will say, I had a weirdly hard time being thirsty on main as a two story tall prehistoric monster... The pig? I know the pig. The pig has no such problem. Lets get weird.

Weirdly I feel like all of this happening sans Mom has actually helped me move past her death (Not entirely, that's impossible) in some ways, in an 'I will survive' sort of way. BUT WEIRDLY mowtown music used to roll a 30% to make me tear up, n-now it's at like a 45% and I don't know why.

*The rex's outline wobbles* GRAH, I think the rex is sticking around for a while yet, but how on earth do people code switch as much as you have to as a queer person in 2026 without committing spontaneous internal mitosis? I feel like if only one code of me had to deal with all of this I'd shatter

Really though...genuinely thank you all for putting up with it HA. I have fallen down the mental health system twice like a wedding ring falling into a septic tank, and come out with 0 help for this. HA I really am trying, thank you for your support.

No matter how much *me* there is inside me, there is only one me on the outside. It will always and forever be the job of whatever is going on inside to make sure that that exterior treats people with kindness, empathy and love.

I mostly say this after getting into an interesting conversation about famous singer who claimed to have multiple personality disorder and blamed his actions on his other half. That. Doesn't. Work. Personality division is like rooms in a house, divide all you want you're still in the house.

Q: Do you have multiple personality disorder? A: Got this one a few times when the rex came up HA, that disorder doesn't exist. I don't think I have DiD, OSDD would be closer, but a LOT of people use those disorders to runaway from their actions? I am always Me. I just express Me differently [Cont]

I REFUSE DATING WEBSITES I am simply too strange. I think I'm too traumatized to try with anyone who isn't at least casually abreast of My Whole Deal at this point. I think one more misunderstanding about a core part of my soul would make me cry myself into a desiccated husk...

This shape's love for basanova and jazz has me listening to lots of Laufey... Gosh...what must it be like to have a partner? I always get scared when attempting to date...HA it's hard not to feel like I missed some sort of bus on that... Not to say I'm looking, but how do you even start?

Like...if anyone so much as WHISPERS the word 'Conservatership' within earshot of me as I get older I will move into the woods and ya'll won't see me again HA. But somehow that won't stop me from championing personality disorders, and being there for weird folks forever.

Like...there are people weirder than me, there are people more open about their OSDD/DiD than me. Why am *I* always scared of it? W-well probably because I've been to modern mental hospitals and if you talk about either they might take away your agency forever... BUT I DIGRESS. OPENNESS ALWAYS.

Well...I mean not totally invented. HA, I think I just have to accept that my mental disorders are gonna make some people uncomfortable, and believe that they will get past that discomfort if I'm honest about them. Keeping them bottled up because of old-traumas was not the play. At all.

I feel so...refreshed... HA I think I needed distance from everything to realize how self imposed a lot of the chains on me were? I built a cage in my own head for no reason. I don't think I've been honest about my mental disorders for the imaginary comfort of others I self-invented.

I almost can't get over how nice it feels to settle. Just...futz with the stuff I managed to get here with I feel such a love and a breath in my chest, like my lungs have new pockets and my eyes have new cones. HA I think I just got really sad for a long time, mostly my own fault, and I'm up again.

I tend to personify my anger as a nameless bird and GOD I am glad that thing's quiet enough now. Metaphorically, it has been chirping in my ear with the volume of a gunshot for 30+ days. My head has been so full of feathers it was hard to think. GODS above I'm glad I can rest and quiet that thing

Imp brain: *Something dark and feline grins* You always war about gettin' too sexy on the main channel, hell it might even get that channel deleted... You should start a side one with way lower production visual assets where you can be as curvy as you want and if it gets nuked who cares~ Me:...

Honestly, with the benefit of distance, I didn't handle that the best...but...weh...I'm trying not to be sad...did I have to handle as much of it as I did? I've been so lonely for so long, I yearn so hard to be understood...and every time I find my instruction books unread and feel UnKnown.

HONESTLY...things shook out better than I expected. It's speculated recently I have compulsive tendencies (Still doing therapy) and anxiety, so I plan the future ahead 1000 ways. HONESTLY every single time this happened in my head I ended up worse than I am. I knew I would fall on my face.

*The large rex looks scary amid all the shadows of the store, but as he steps into the light you find him a massive weepy baby* Ahh...there's the sadness...HA I've been moving too much to feel it really. AHAHAH like being in shock after a gunshot. Anger is a horrible fuel, but now that its gone...

GOD I'm so glad to not be mad anymore... THAT WAS AWFUL. How do people chew on THAT emotion all day, of all the ones you could chew on. *There's a full body shudder that makes stones on the sidewalk move* I HATED that so much. Uhg. Ick. I feel like I need a soul shower. Worst emotion. Claws down.

I have to say, some forms of me dabble along the gender spectrum? (*Eyes a kangaroo and a robot*), but HA I have to say Mulligan occupies a similar space to Mac. VERY thoroughly male. Gods, quite the change from a space cat, mental age of about 22 shooting up to a doddering 50 something...

AHAHHA It's super weird being in a new place I will be for a hot minute, I can literally introduce myself as anyone. I HAVE A BILLION NICKNAMES. Honestly half the people back home in FL call me 'E.J' more than my full name, I might start going by that, it's shorter and easy to remember...

REALLY!? *The rex's nervous wail accidentally shakes all the windows on the block as the professorially prehistoric clerk waves his little arms about in distress* THIS ONE!? I'm a giant, forgetful Mr.Mcgoo of a person RIGHT NOW? I was so hoping for timtam...Gods, I guess everything's too new...

A-and the people around me just changed forever. AHAHAH if anything was gonna cause a minor regeneration it is exactly this. TBH I...honestly think I might get a bit more...reflexive kindness than I'm used to here? HA I mean that existed in spades before of course, but one party was NOT good at it.

Honestly it might be why I'm such an introvert? Being alone is always the exception not the rule, BUT I AM EXCITED TO FEEL OUT THIS NEW CONTAINER. HAHAHAH I just...literally don't know what I'll turn into because of it. I-I have a personality disorder based around people pleasing...

Well...that's overly dramatic hyperbole but KIDNA NOT REALLY? I am literally, from day one, purpose built to exist in a set of 3. AND THE UNIVERSE SEEMS TO KEEP MAKING THAT TRUE. HA, I have only ever existed in juxtaposition against two other beings. Literally. From the embryo.

Honestly, landing is weird. AHAHAH I am better at flying than I am at landing, BUT...I am also a person whose soul seems to be made of a viscous liquid...so I fit the shape of my container. HA which kinda means I straight up have 0 idea who I am until I feel out this container... Workin' on it!

When I get some rest...

HA I like Belfort and Lupin way too much... GOD these dumb gay dogs just HAD to come out the year where my mom died. If there was any way to nestle into my brain more succinctly than being super gay and cute whilst in one of the most traumatic periods of my life I haven't found it.

Q: Do you have a crush on Devil Dinosaur? A: LOOK. He is BIG. He is RED. He uses his tail CONSTANTLY. There is an EXTREME PRECIDENT for me falling vaugely for Big Boys of this subtype. I cannot be blamed. Also he's super expressive in every cartoony appearance he's ever made...

But surely I yearn for this on some level don't I? A house somewhere with someone I Truely Love who sees all of me and doesn't get even a little scared? Even all the OSDD nonsense... Maybe I just don't wanna feel scary...or important...just a house somewhere...with someone...

NOT TO MENTION I'M SUPER PRIVATE HA that's always a problem, people think I've never dated anyone because I don't tend to talk about it when I'm fiddling with such...I have 0 idea why this is... I fear on some level its' because I'm aeromantic, but I'm SUCH a sap...there's no way...

How am I supposed to know if I'm any good at this? Both times I've jumped, there was nothing to land on, and every time someone ELSE has jumped, I've acted like a confused newborn giraffe and been far too frightened to truly give myself over. What even IS dating?

It also bugs me that he NEVER really shows up when she's a toon. He's literally made to go with that version of her design and I think this is the only time they talk. A-also rump puns from a tail maw...

God, it might just be because I'm lonelier than ever, and this is like...one of THE horniest forms, but I am a whole ass booty freak lately.... Maybe I just want something big and soft and warm to crush me....

I like Horse's Tail more than I should... HA he's like...the ONLY tail maw character I've ever seen get this many speaking lines and his dynamic with Horse and how he can control her back legs is apto-mazing. I'm so mad he basically vanishes after this episode. I'mverynormalaboutcentaurworld

*The clerk appears to be going through more change than usual. They keep looking at themself in mirrors, checking their whiskers, adjusting their hat, noting the odd bare midriff of their outfit. This seems to be a shape for metamorphosis.*

*The clerk is often in one tizzy or another, ringing up books in correctly, dropping heavy tomes on toes, accidentally making you a hybrid in a transporter accident... Despite it all, they always seem to bounce back to good cheer however, an alchemist energy that seems indefatigable.*

*The clerk seems to be 100% or nothing at all lately, flinging himself into plans by the seat of his pants. The bookstore ran its electricity off bubblegum oil for a week last month, there appears to be a Venusian in the spare bedroom, and the sales are random. Aliens are adjusting*

*The clerk is an alien lately, most of the time this is figurative, but currently it is literal. His whiskers are not whiskers, they are more like strange antennae, they glow strange colors that mean things you don't know. He looks up at the sky at night, as though he's from somewhere else.*

Sorry, going through archives. I am...SO MAD that this was probably the coolest visual thing that ever happened to the 13th Doctor? This whole two parter was EXCELLENT in the first half...then she gets turned into a weeping angel and... Turned back immediately. It's a teleport. LAME.

Okay... So... I managed to get most of the important books out today... I...have to donate the ones I didn't want today... Get MOST of the fragile small furniture out... And rent a truck for the large stuff tomorrow. A-and I think I'm sick and my back HELLA hurts. Ow...April has been awful

Every day I wake up by myself is a soft win I think. AHAHAH I keep waking up expecting some congratulations for getting through the night, but that's silly. I spent mom's deathaversary alone without a hug. I can progress through this week without accolades for sleeping. We march onwards.

Putting the dumb phone in a box...just...weh... I feel like since 2020 hit its just been one thing after another, and I so hoped my Support System would hold through Mom's deathaversary... That it not only Didn't, but Didn't...THIS HARD I feel a wind taken out of me. A strange, lonely homunculus.

I-I just think about the simple things someone could do to Wreck Me that are rarely ever done... A-and I just wish for the day someone just Does Them without a google-doc to that says they need doing you know? HA I feel like an understrumed instrument...and that's insane considering the players.

Don't mind me, I'm just stressed out lately and looking for ports of release. WEH...it's just...I feel so lonely lately, so misunderstood. Surely...SURELY there is someone out there who could push my buttons...who ALSO has those buttons? Like...Do I have to be Tail Professor? Can I be Student?

What does a boyfailure have to do to get a *tailhugs* on the regular? HA I actually considered paying a dom recently, am I that lonely? HA It's just...I feel like if I could find someone who didn't need the intruction booklet...and just...HAD my tail fetish...I would be a lot happier...pipe dreams

I'm probably just being greedy because I'm stressed out, but WEH...I feel like loads of people get a bunch of asterix play all day every day, and I feel like I gotta set appointments... Maybe I should talk to more people under 35, everyone's so busy all day. I miss when I was 20 and RP'd all day...

I have gotten *one* really good bit of 'Tail' media from a friend and its unfinished. HA my left foot for consistent indulgence of that interest that doesn't feel like I'm being a bit of a chore... My id is a brat though, so ignore it, but man...someone who just... *has* a tail 24/7 and enjoys it.

I have been...too busy to satisfy my id lately and it is bored out of its MIND. When I got to this nice place to stay I...indulged a bunch, and now everything seems boring, I guess with all the stress, after that only something Truely Exciting would work. B-but no one Gets tails the way I do...

Weh...its fine...don't trust your brain after 9pm and it's almost 4am but... Almost 9 years in one place. I'm a polymorph, I construct myself based off the legos other people give me. I almost don't know who I am without adjusting for others. I just feel lost is all...and a bit hurt, for now...

I dunno...I've always been the 'Weird kid'...even when I learned to be super charming and stop being that on the outside... I just...I really felt like this time I could be full weird and be safe...and I was...so wrong...just so wrong. Just...if I was wrong there, who even am I right now?

If you think I've been sleeping better since the hospital I haven't HA... I donno...I feel like a lost kitten...was it really that easy to toss me out? I always knew if I showed an inkling of my True Mind it'd get me in trouble... I feel like I did before I moved out of my parents all over again.

The shower is so nice I don't even feel worthy to step in there. HA this cost less than a holiday in for some reason because I needed it for a while. After the last hotel and the hospital I feel like someone through a garbage bag into the louve...

*The Betelgeusian Book Clerk seems a bit worse for wear lately, ever since he became an alien for a short period he seems to be dropping books, knocking things over. His odd, thick whiskers glow pink with blush* I-I'm sorry I keep messing up, I promise I'll be better at shelving later...