Absolute Fareed

Having to talk a parent down from the anxiety they gave you

When I get the gas pump to stop on an even number with .00 cents

"Hey man, don't panic but you're on the news right now not being believable."

Pro tip right there.

Taking yourself off mute to fake laugh on a conference call just to sound engaged:

"Yeah, you do recognize me, actually. I'm the guy who ran out on the court during the finals game... yes, you can take a picture of me, of course."

How hard NY about to boo that man and run him out of there:

Neighbors keep slamming their car doors closed like I'm trying to hear all that. Leave them the fuck open until you get back in tomorrow morning.

New God of War

Ridiculous.

Mehmet Oz with the snake oil:

"Hey we lost all your financial info, your life might be ruined soon. Change some, all or none of your passwords, whichever, see you."

Some Tuesday motivation

Just four normal human guys going to Five Guys, that's all.

Weapons formed against him prospering:

"You can't intimidate me... if I'm not here!"

Me keeping the ball away from Klay Thompson, especially if he's on my team, because any man stupid enough to fumble Meg can't be trusted with a basketball either, dumbass.

That great america state fair is just going to be the goon president yelling at his supporters for 4 hours under the intensity of the July sun. That heat will be stroking like Clarence Carter.

Whoever spliced the different camera angles together, beautiful work.

Vanilla Ice when the Great American State Fair reps call to tell him he's been bumped from the show:

Klay Thompson, you fucking fool.

You see the vision

I hope they film his name being torn off the Kennedy Center building with IMAX cameras.

"He said I love you, sir"

Clarence Thomas about to take this personal

John F Kennedy's name to the extra shit:

Klay Thompson: Me:

Vanilla Ice and Flo Rida, seeing who blinks first

Certain person can really never say anything about someone else's looks with all the material there is to work with on them.

Commercial: "Don't use our prescription drug if you're allergic to our prescription drug." People who can hear:

Flo Rida after about 11 minutes into his three hour set:

The AI working on your pics:

My coworker told me she put me in her favorites list on her IM. Thanks, weirdo?

The media trying to be the first to repeat whatever this idiot president says verbatim without verifying anything or providing context:

"HERE'S AN UPDATE WITH FREE AI, TAKE IT, IT'S FREE STOP RESISTING" -all the tech mfs

Looks like ain't nobody got... The Time for that.

NY is going to tear him up in HD.

Taking a mandatory training course on AI and every module is like "don't use AI for X purpose" and I was like no problem I'm not using it for shit. Then suddenly they were talking "no wait, you can try using it here" and they annoyed now that my "nah" is firm.

I respect people who can do hunger strikes because you getting maybe five hours from me before I start hangry hallucinating and cave in.

How he thinks he's going to walk out of the White House and into that UFC ring but his ankles too swollen and his equilibrium bad so he'd tumble right off that stage and die immediately.